So where were we? Oh yes. The overcelebration of Christmas. Not to worry. Here are my final six ways to make the 12 days of Christmas bearable for accidental adults everywhere.
7. The Decorative Christmas Tree Sweater
See that middle-aged woman wearing the blinking, illuminated sweater with the matching candy cane socks? Want to annoy her as much as her outfit has annoyed you? Don’t say a word to her about the attire. Don’t even fake a compliment. To this grandma wannabe, acknowledgment equals encouragement.
8. Real Trees Versus Fake
Let’s see . . . One requires hard labor in the bitter cold, and it ultimately poses a very real fire hazard. Your other choice requires about ten minutes to set up, and it fits nicely under the basement stairs for the other eleven months of the year. ’Nuff said.
I’m sure some etiquette guides suggest that during the holidays it’s considered good form to tip service providers like hairdressers, postal carriers, dog groomers, day care providers, newspaper carriers, parking attendants, and so on. Since none of these are my own profession, I don’t really care what you do. But here’s a tip: Give Christmas presents to your children’s teachers shortly before grades are given out. This way you can tell friends at holiday parties that your children are at the top of their classes and have the recent evidence to prove it.
10. The Santa Cap
It’s just not funny. Never was, never will be. And it certainly doesn’t give you a proper excuse to offer your lap as a seat to guests.
Best Christmas song ever? Band Aid’s 1984 hit “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Worst Christmas song ever? A tie between “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” and José Feliciano’s “Feliz Navidad” (not to be confused with Nachos Navidad, a much more satisfying staple of the season). Take note, and fill your iPod party mix accordingly, please.
12. Drinking Before Midnight Mass
Look at it this way, and then never do it again. The savior of the world was born, and you’re going to show up trashed at His birthday party? Happy Birthday, Jesus! Forgive this guy. But please note, he’s not with me. I’m the one sitting two pews behind him fluctuating between disgust and repressed fascination watching him grope his fiancée during the moment of shared peace.
So what’s your reward for surviving a blitz of Christmas parties? Enduring the most boring day of the year: December 25. Nothing’s on television, stores are closed, and you’ve become a virtual prisoner trapped inside your own home.
Merry freakin’ Christmas.